Moving Away From Family and Friends: How to Overcome Feelings of Guilt
Takeaway: It’s natural to have all kinds of different emotions when making a big decision, such as moving far away from family and other loved ones. Excitement, nervousness, apprehension, and more are all par for the course.
However, guilt can sometimes make you worry that you are making the wrong decision. In this blog post, I’ll break down everything you need to know about the role of guilt–and how to cope with it.
What is guilt?
You've more than likely experienced guilt before. After all, it's a normal human emotion. However, learning exactly what it is can help us better understand where it comes from and how it affects us.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), guilt is the feeling we get when we know (or feel like) we've done something wrong and want to make it right. For example, you might feel guilty if you take the last slice of pizza right as someone else was reaching into the box. As a result, you might feel compelled to share the slice with them.
While we all experience this emotion from time to time, there are certain factors that can make a person more prone to feeling guilty, such as family dynamics, society or culture, and some forms of religion.
There's nothing inherently wrong with feeling guilt, but it can be an incredibly uncomfortable emotion. Plus, studies suggest that chronic guilt is associated with mental health problems like depression and anxiety, as well as physical health issues like arthritis, asthma, cardiovascular disease, and more.
Guilt might also have a negative impact on your relationships with others. You might withdraw from your loved ones out of fear that you'll be guilt-tripped, especially if they've made you feel guilty about your actions in the past. As a result, you might also begin to question yourself and struggle with your self-esteem.
This might be especially true if you're struggling with guilt around moving away from parents, other family members, or friends.
Moving is a big decision, and your loved ones might have strong opinions about it. On the other hand, they might not explicitly say anything to make you feel bad, but you could still feel guilt and wonder whether you made the right decision.
Why do I feel guilty for moving away from family members?
First things first, if you feel extremely guilty for moving away from family, I totally understand. I was in the same boat after graduate school. I lived in New York (my home state) and had done all the things I felt I was "supposed" to do. However, something just didn't feel right so I made the decision to move to Denver.
While I'm ultimately so glad I made the choice to live in alignment with my own values and goals, it was still a difficult decision. I struggled with guilt, anxiety, and all kinds of other uncomfortable emotions.
However, I also realized it was possible to work through these emotions and embrace what I needed in order to feel fulfilled. Now, as an anxiety therapist in Denver, I help women who feel the same way I did.
Part of working through "moving away from family guilt" is understanding why we feel this way. Of course, each person has their own unique situation and reasons why they have certain emotions. At the same time, there are many common reasons why you might feel guilty when moving far away from family and friends. Here are just a few.
Family dynamics
No family is perfect, and while your loved ones may have good intentions, they might not make it easy for you to leave home. For example, you might experience family members saying passive-aggressive comments that make you question how they feel and whether they support your decision.
You might also feel like you owe your parents something and you don't want them to be upset with you. While this dynamic could be present in any family, it might be especially true if you're an only child, or if you're moving out of a single parent's house.
You could be used to feeling responsible for your parent's or family's well-being, and you might wonder if it's wrong to move away from family as a result.
On the other hand, your family might be a bit more explicit about how they feel. Your family members might give you a guilt trip for deciding to move and tell you that they think it's a bad idea. Understandably, this can make you question yourself and your decisions.
People-pleasing tendencies
You are used to making decisions to make other people happy rather than what makes you happy. You typically avoid conflict and you aren't sure how this is going to pan out. Sound familiar? If so, you might struggle with people-pleasing tendencies.
Those of us who engage in these behaviors might be especially prone to feeling guilty when moving away from parents and other loved ones. You might worry that you'll never be able to enjoy making your own home and a new life somewhere else if you know that your family isn't happy about it.
You might feel a strong pull to stay close to home if you feel that's what your loved ones want, whether this is an explicit or implied expectation. While this might ease the initial anxiety you have, it's a betrayal of your own authentic values.
Perfectionism tendencies
Many people who struggle with people pleasing also have perfectionistic tendencies. You are used to doing everything the "right" way and don't want to cause a disruption by doing things differently—AKA moving away from family.
Maybe all of your family lives within a few hours' drive. You might feel like this is what you "should" do too, even though you really want to move across the country. The feeling that what you want goes against what you've been told you're "supposed" to do can be highly uncomfortable.
Beyond this, you're also scared of the unknown and feeling like you don't have control. Making a big move is vulnerable, and confronting the uncertainties that come along with it takes a lot of courage. While it's scary at first, over time you can learn how to soothe these emotions without giving up the things you want for yourself.
Is it wrong to move away from family?
The short answer is no. It’s not a selfish thing to do when someone wants to do something to better themselves in some way.
Maybe you have grown up in the same town for your whole life and you want to try something different in a new environment. When your entire family has stayed in the same place, creating your own path to follow your own needs can feel very overwhelming and take a lot of emotional energy.
Moving far away with greater physical distance from family when you’re of adult age is a way of striving for your independence. It gives you a sense of responsibility for yourself.
Additionally, it opens you to a whole new world of possibilities. Getting your own place gives you privacy, which can be something you get little of living with your family. When you live alone, it gives you the freedom and the responsibility to go and come as you please.
If you let guilt about leaving your parents rule your actions, you’ll never leave. This is why you must know that whatever you choose to do to benefit yourself is not self-centered–it’s self-love.
Long story short: only you can decide. Here are some questions to consider:
Is it important for you to have extended family or other family nearby?
Are you genuinely happy living where you are right now? If not, where is your dream city?
Are you able to achieve the lifestyle you want? What type of lifestyle do you want?
Are you wanting to have less financial stress?
Will you be able to say no to more things since you don't live close? How will this feel?
Will your mental health improve by having some space from your family?
Are you ready for a new adventure?
While guilt can make you feel like you've done something "bad" by wanting to follow your dreams, There's nothing wrong with wanting a better life for yourself. However, the decision can still be extremely difficult.
How to make a decision about moving away from parents
Let's be honest, leaving family isn't an easy decision. This is especially true if you've struggled to make decisions based solely on what you want, not what other people expect of you or what you think you "should" do. While there's no formula to decide whether or not you want to move, these tips can help you make your choice.
Consider quality of life
People move for all kinds of reasons, but improved quality of life is a big one. For some, a better quality of life means:
Having the closeness of family for love
Having family close to you for support with babysitting, etc.
Wanting close friends for social support
Wanting to continue family traditions and wisdom from elder members for your children
For others, a better quality of life means:
A slower pace than city life
Lower cost of living
More time for your own family
Consider what quality of life means for you, then make the decision that aligns with those values.
Write a pros and cons list
If you're anything like how I was when I was deciding to move, you have tons of thoughts (and worries) swimming around in your head.
It might feel like you have a grasp on every possible angle, but physically writing down the costs and benefits of moving away from family can give you a clearer picture from both angles. Plus, the visual representation can really help.
Do research and/or check out the place you want to move to before moving there
While it's impossible to know everything about a place before you move, doing your due diligence ahead of time can help you feel more confident about your decision. Things like lining up your new job or connecting with a friend or family member who lives near your new city can also help.
Buy a plane ticket and explore the city you are thinking of moving to
Physically visiting your new potential city can also be a great way to decide whether you want to move. You can do tons of online research and ask your loved ones who live in the area what they think, but you might not know for sure until you're there yourself. Even if you end up hating it, this is still helpful information.
Be assertive
When making a big decision like this, you might never feel 100% confident either way. However, it's still important for you to be firm with your loved ones. For example, if a family member begins to question whether or not you're capable of moving away, stick up for yourself.
Even if others don't support you, you can have your own back throughout the process.
Check in with yourself
Moving away from home can come with tons of different emotions, both positive and negative. Make sure to check in with yourself during this vulnerable time and make space for whatever feelings come up.
Be honest with yourself
Part of embracing your emotions is being honest with yourself. How do you feel? What do you want? Big emotions like guilt can often get in the way of understanding our other feelings. Plus, people-pleasing patterns can make it feel uncomfortable to acknowledge what we really value. Be patient with yourself and remind yourself that it's okay to be you.
Acknowledge that you can't control how your family members or friends may respond or feel
Those of us who struggle with people-pleasing and perfectionism like to believe that our actions can guarantee certain responses from people.
Part of us thinks that if we can just do everything "right" or do what we're "supposed" to do, we can get the love and validation we crave. However, this isn't always the case. People have their own feelings and reactions, and that's okay. It's not our responsibility to make other people happy.
Draw on your support system when possible
Even though you're trying hard to rely on yourself to make your decision, it's still completely natural to want support from other people.
If your nuclear family isn't supportive of your move, who else can you go to? Do you have extended family who live in the area you want to move to? Can you turn to your friends or a trusted coworker for guidance? Consider who can give you the support you're looking for.
How to move away from family
There's no right or wrong way to go about moving away from family. Everyone has a different process depending on their unique needs and circumstances. With that being said, having a little guidance can be helpful, especially if you're not sure where to begin and struggling with feelings of guilt.
Tips for coping with “moving away from family” guilt
You may feel guilty about making this decision but that's okay. We often try to avoid emotions that are harder to handle but you are capable of making this decision with feelings of guilt and excitement. If you've decided that you want to move away (or if you're sad your family is moving across the country), try one of these tips to help you cope.
Focus on quality time vs quantity time
You may not see them in person as often but luckily, technology allows us to connect with family and friends more easily. Use social media, texting, and video calling to stay connected with your loved ones. You can even try writing letters for something different. After all, who doesn't like getting mail?
In-person time is still important, too. Take time to make future plans and get plane tickets ahead of time so you know when you are going to see your family next. Being able to count down the days on your calendar can help.
Acknowledging and validating your own emotions
As we've discussed, making such a big move can come with lots of different feelings: guilt, sadness, regret, excitement, anxiety, and many more. It's important to remember that all the emotions you're feeling are totally valid. It might feel tempting to push away strong, uncomfortable emotions, but I challenge you to embrace them and see how it feels.
You might also tend to focus more on your negative feelings than your positive ones. However, it's totally okay to lean into the joy and sense of adventure that you're tapping into by moving. This decision is worth celebrating, and your own happiness is important.
Practicing self-compassion
While this process is worth it, it might not be easy. Be as gentle with yourself as possible during this time. You might struggle with your emotions, adjusting to your new city, and missing your family. Moving comes with lots of changes, and it takes time to learn how to live with them.
Part of having self-compassion is setting realistic expectations for yourself. It's not fair to think you'd adjust to your new city right away, especially if this is your first time living away from home. Take it slow and be patient.
Lean on your supports
You shouldn't have to navigate this experience all on your own. Having the support of a few trusted loved ones can mage a huge difference in helping you cope with all the transitions and emotions that come with moving.
This is also a great opportunity to make new friends in the area you've moved to. You can join clubs, like a book club or social sports league, to help you connect with other local people. Having this social interaction can also help you get out of your head and into the moment.
Recognize that this move doesn't have to be permanent
Be open to the possibility that your move might not work out the way you hoped it would. Major family events happen and might cause you to move back home. Or, the sadness of missing birthdays and other celebrations might weigh on you after a while.
However, if you regret moving, you can always move back or someplace else. If you struggle with perfectionism, this can be a difficult concept to accept. You might feel like a failure for moving and regretting it, but you're human! You're allowed to change your mind.
Therapy can help you cope with moving away from family and friends
Creating a new life in a different place without your best friend or family unit can feel scary and daunting. Know that these are normal emotions that you don't have to deal with on your own. Therapy is a place that can help you feel more supported while making this difficult decision.
You can talk through any internally driven guilt or guilt you feel from others. Whether you're feeling a bit guilty or really struggling with overwhelming emotions, speaking with a counselor can help you sort out your emotions, make difficult choices, and discover what you really want out of life.
As an anxiety therapist in Denver, I'm passionate about helping young women connect with their passions and learn how to break old patterns of people-pleasing and perfectionism. I've seen firsthand, through my work as a therapist and my own healing journey, how freeing it is to live in alignment with your own values.
If you're interested in learning more about my approach to therapy and how I can help, I encourage you to schedule a complimentary consultation. I welcome any questions or concerns about the process and whether we might be a good fit for each other. I look forward to meeting you and discussing how we can work together to help you feel better!
